I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind

May 20th is only 10 days away, so now I am really feeling the emotional weight of the surgery.  Every day that ends, a new one is right on it’s heels and it’s closer to the 2oth.  If I didn’t know that the Lord is right in the middle of this, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed.  However, the Great I Am is with me every step of the way.  Here is my story, from the beginning…

I was due for my PAP in December but wanted to switch doctors and I didn’t pick a new one yet so I didn’t go.  February came and I still hadn’t gone.  I haven’t been late for a PAP ever.  I was watching Say Yes to the Dress, the one at Kleinfeld’s.  There was a 26 year old girl who was battling cervical cancer and at the end of the show it said that she passed away.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  This beautiful girl passed a month after marrying her best friend.  How can this be?  The following Monday, I scheduled my PAP.  They wanted to make me wait until March 27 to see Dr. Kelly, but I didn’t want to wait that long.  I scheduled to see Peggy, the Midwife the following week.  When I went in to see her, she told me that she felt a lump in my right breast and asked me if I do self exams.  She told me that since I am 31, I need to do self exams, but I just need to “watch it.”  I cried when I heard the word “lump”.  She asked me why I was crying.  I thought, “is she serious?”  Who wouldn’t cry when hearing that word?  Peggy said she takes these things very seriously because of her family history with breast cancer.  She even got tested for the BRCA gene.  I left there thinking it was nothing. 

A few days passed and I couldn’t get the lump off my mind.  I called the office to ask for a referral.  When they told me which breast doctor to call, they raved about her.  “Dr. Corgan is wonderful!  It’s probably nothing because most of the time it is nothing!  80% of lumps are benign,” said the receptionist at Dr. Kelly’s office.  I got my apppointment with the breast doctor for 2 weeks from then.  When that day came, Joni came with me with sweet baby Mason with those big blue eyes.  The nurse saw the image of the lump on the ulstrasound and said, ” it’s moving, it’s perfectly round, smooth edges, no shadows coming off the back and you are 31.  It is overwhelmingly nothing.  You can biopsy it if you want to.  Come back in 3 months if you want.”  Dr. Corgan repeated those same lines and they gave Mason more attention than my boob at that point.  Since they do this day in and day out and they thought Mason was way more important, I felt great!  My mind said, “oh, good, no biopsy” but my mouth said “do it.  schedule it.  get it done.”  That was the Holy Spirit showing up, but I wouldn’t know that He had been showing up for the past few weeks, guiding me to pick up the phone and schedule and appointment, even after being told to just watch it.  A week and a half later,  huge needle was being poked into the suspicious lump.  Dr. Corgan said, “yeah, this looks benign.  It’s shiny and crystal looking.  Scary stuff looks like fat off a prime rib.”  The nurse said, “you’re fine” before rushing the tissue samples out the door where the courier was waiting.  I hardley prayed about it during that 6 days of waiting to find out because they made me feel so good about it.  I will never forget when I asked “is it benign?” the look on that nurse’s face and her shaking her head no.  I had gone to this appointment alone because we all had false hope.  I had lumps in my breasts all my life.  WHY DID I SO DILIGENTLY PURSUE THIS LUMP?  Because God showed up.  Because God told me to.  He is so quiet and the world is so loud.  I praise His Holy Name for showing me this and for laying it on my heart to not stop until I knew what was going on.  What if I had listened to the 2 nurse practictioners and the breast doctor?  I don’t have to worry about the what if’s because of the grace and mercy of the King of Kings!  I am that important to Him!  When I pray to keep us all safe and healthy, He does!   My Heavenly Daddy loves me so much that he didn’t let me drop this!  What a mighty God we serve!